Dispatches from the past

Ten years ago, I was a newlywed living in Kansas City and working a desk job for TWA (the even then soon-to-be-defunct Trans World Airlines); one of my best friends was also a newlywed, but living in the hometown of her Scottish husband, near Glasgow. I realized yesterday that since I'm a pack rat even digitally, I probably still had our correspondence from 9/11. I don't think this is all -- I probably wrote her other emails from my work account -- but this is some of what I still have, with names and personal bits redacted, of course.


TO: BeckleTheFreckle
FROM: RCH
SUBJECT: Terrorist Attacks
DATE: September 11, 2001, 12:38 PM

Beckle,

I suppose you've heard by now about the terrorist attacks in the U.S.? I got most of my news this morning from the BBC web site because all the American news sources (Yahoo! News, MSNBC, CNN, etc.) were overloaded with web traffic and I couldn't get through.

I actually watched the second World Trade Center tower get smacked by the plane.... I turned on the Today Show as I got ready for work this morning; the first plane hit while I was in the shower. Matt Lauer and Katie Couric were talking about that breaking news story as I got dressed -- acting on the assumption that it was an accident, which is rare but has happened before to tall buildings. (The Empire State Building got hit in the '30s, apparently, and the Pan Am Building accidentally got clipped by a helicopter in the '60s.) And as they were talking about that and showing live film of the hole in the building, and the smoke billowing out, a larger plane came into the camera's view and deliberately plowed straight into the other tower and exploded.

I had to go to work then, but I listened to the news on the radio all the way there and all morning at my desk. The two towers have since collapsed, as I'm sure you've heard; the Pentagon got hit by another plane; a plane crashed near (but not at) Camp David in Pennsylvania. All flights throughout the entire country are canceled for the forseeable future -- at least for the rest of the day and likely for some of tomorrow. International flights are being diverted to Canada. Flights in the air were told to land at the nearest available airport. The airport here is going crazy with stranded passengers, apparently. I don't work at the airport proper; my office is at the airplane overhaul maintenance base about half a mile south. We're still open, but security is tightened; I guess they're not letting anybody in.

I'm not supposed to play on the internet except at lunch time, but I've been checking the news sites all morning anyway. I hope they don't mind. I think they'll understand, under the circumstances. Two of the four planes that were hijacked were from American Airlines, the company that now owns TWA (the other two were from United). A couple hundred people are dead just from those plan crashes; no word yet on how many were killed at the World Trade Center, though 50,000 people work there so the numbers could be pretty high.

Damn. All of this is pretty hard to fathom.

[Personal stuff follows]


~RCH~




TO: RCH
FROM: BeckleTheFreckle
SUBJECT: RE: Terrorist Attacks
DATE: September 11, 2001, 1:50 PM

RCH,

I just happened to be sitting around and decided to turn on the tv at about 2 o' clock and I was watching Scooby Doo and for some reason I decided to flip channels and they showed the world trade center on fire...it was horrifying. I saw the second plane crash into it and watched the whole hour while people ran away from the debris and eventual collapse of both buildings live. It is scary to say the least.

I don't even like thinking about the possible outcome...all these insane thoughts racing around my head (and being depressed already doesn't help a damn bit) about never seeing you and K2 or my family again. I was online a bit earlier talking to RW when I got your letter and she started freaking out saying things about her brother and her boyfriend getting drafted....

[Personal stuff follows]


~BeckleTheFreckle~




TO: RCH & Others
FROM: BeckleTheFreckle
SUBJECT: Hope
DATE: September 13, 2001, 6:45 AM

RCH & Others,

I just finished watching a special changing of the guard this morning on the BBC and it was good to hear the National Anthem again. :)

I can't tell you how the events of the last few days have affected me so far away from home and most of the people I love in America. I'm sure you're tired of the saturation of reports, so feel free to trash this if you want. Still, it's good to see hope shining through all this darkness. There is some good to be made out of every tragedy.

To those back home, I love you so much and I miss you. It never seems to hit as hard as times like these then you realize life is so short and fragile, but there is nothing to be afraid of as long as we trust in each other and do the best we can. Take care of yourselves and know that I'm thinking of you all the time.

To my family and friends here in Scotland, thank you for taking such good care of me. It means a lot.

I'll leave you with this scripture that my Mom has hanging in our house: "Fear not what man can do, for I shall be with you forever and ever."


Love Always,
~BeckleTheFreckle~




TO: BeckleTheFreckle
FROM: RCH
SUBJECT: Random Dispatch from the KC Correspondent
DATE: September 17, 2001, 4:47 PM

Beckle,

Happy Monday the week after! ...Life is beginning to return to normal here (for those of us, at least, who live hundreds of miles from the terrorist attacks and who didn't know anyone who died in them). The news has finally toned down its coverage of the disaster; it's still the only news they report, but they've given up the round-the-clock business and have returned us to our regularly scheduled programs. Which is such a freaking relief! There are only so many facts they can report, and beyond that it's all horrible "human interest" stories of people who lost loved ones. Wives whose husbands called from the hijacked planes to say goodbye, or firemen who lost their whole company in the rescue effort.

I saw one interview with the CEO of some accounting firm (I think) whose offices were near the top of the WTC -- he had been at his daughter's school that morning, so he was the only one of 700 employees accounted for. He broke down in the interview, sobbing: "Seven hundred people! I was their leader, and now I'm the only one left." He could barely speak. "I'm responsible to the families of seven hundred people. They're all dead. All of them." That was the most disturbing news interview I saw, because I'm not used to seeing men cry at all, and he was just a wreck. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for him and all of those families. I tried to clean up my face when DH came home from that day's rotations -- he already didn't know what to do with me when I had dainty little tear-stained cheeks from other news stories, so I knew he'd be at a loss with my big puffy eyes and red, runny nose -- but I couldn't do it. I was too far gone. And the interview was over by the time he walked in the door, anyway, so he couldn't see what had upset me so much and I was in no state to explain it articulately. Poor husband-o-mine. We decided then that I should not watch the news by myself anymore, and even with DH around we'll only watch it if they're discussing details of the investigation.

Ugh. What a week it's been.

K2 and I got our hair done on Saturday! That was fun. Though I felt guilty all week leading up to it, because I didn't know how I wanted it cut (a safe, traditional chin-length bob? Which DH thinks is too short. Or maybe branch out into a new style? Scary!) but I felt so completely shallow for worrying about hair when there were so many people with real problems. But then I'd feel guilty for grieving for all those people in NY and DC because I didn't know any of them.... I felt like I was trying to usurp their grief because I was (again) too shallow to have any of my own. Does that make sense? Because really, what business do I have crying? The attacks didn't affect me directly. My life is a freaking bed of roses. I was having a very difficult time reconciling the sadness and horror I felt with all the banal little details of going on with life.

Anyway. I promise I'm going to stop interjecting all my stories with stuff about the attacks. On with the show!

[Personal stuff follows]


~RCH~




TO: RCH
FROM: BeckleTheFreckle
SUBJECT: Ramblings
DATE: September 18, 2001, 9:17 AM

RCH,

I must commiserate with you on behalf of the terrorist stuff. DH had to impose a news ban on me too because I got scared on him Wednesday night, I started crying and saying that I was never going to see my family and friends again and we'd never be able to go back to Utah...I couldn't get over seeing the people listening to answering machine messages from their family, and I saw that guy too who was saying he was responsible for everyone and started crying. It broke my heart. It made me want to be around Americans so badly, it made me want to have a flag to fly. It made me want to be able to join in with everyone in feeling sorry and I can't do that. It's been so hard for me over here without anyone to bitch to. People feel bad, but they don't quite understand how scary and close to home it all is. I was checking my e-mail the next day and RW was online and she was freaking out about everyone getting drafted...oh dear. It was a bad week.

The only thing that gave me any comfort was watching any BBC program that had memorial services and played the national anthem. It probably seemed pretty pathetic to passers by me standing with my hand over my heart singing it at the top of my lungs, but it made me feel better.

But it's like a train wreck, you know? You don't want to look, but you just can't tear yourself away. I'm glad the news is calming down a bit. The media is mostly a blessing, but not when it's mass-hysteria inducing.

[Personal stuff follows]


~BeckleTheFreckle~




Ten years later. The death toll was thankfully lower than it could have been, and our armed forces are still staffed by amazing volunteers. Beckle & her DH eventually moved back to the U.S.; my job at TWA became redundant in February 2002 when the merger with American Airlines went through, and I was laid off (though I quickly found work as an assistant at a patent law firm). The horror gradually receded, and life went on.

I watched a lot of the coverage last week leading up to the anniversary -- lots of Where Are They Now? stories about people in iconic photos that I had never seen because I couldn't bear it at the time -- and I watched the service in NYC on Sunday. It all still makes me cry, and still makes me feel ... guilty, I guess, because I haven't "earned" my grief the way the mourners at Ground Zero have. I didn't lose anyone or anything but a belief in the invincibility of my country. Still. It breaks my heart. I have a bad habit of trying to imagine myself in the lives of others. I like to vicariously try on others' experiences, see how they fit, wonder how I would react to what someone else has been through. While empathy may be a good quality in some situations, it's useless here. Completely useless. I'd like to think my "mourning with those who mourn" (to borrow a scriptural phrase) actually means something, but nothing changes the terribleness of that day.


~RCH~