Nevermind

Turns out the rumors of a July baby were unfounded. Well, founded originally but not so much anymore.... It came as a bit of a shock. I thought I was imperviously fertile. Guess not.

At least now we won't have to buy a minivan or some other behemoth vehichle to accommodate three carseats. I won't have to figure out how to hold more children than I have hands. I can worry about my waistline again -- figure out some exercise that I'll actually do -- rather than watch helplessly as it grows without my consent. We can take a summer vacation.

I had my blood drawn today to compare to hormone levels from a blood draw on Saturday; the hCG is supposed to decrease on its own, but if it doesn't, I'll have to go in for what sounds like a fairly unpleasant procedure. The nurse poked and wiggled the needle around in my arms and hand four times before she gave up and let DH try; he got it right in one go.

"I hope your blood will feel better," Uno told me as we drove home. I've tried to explain to her what's going on because, as a precocious almost-four-year-old, she knows that babies come in tummies. She would remember that we told her I had one in mine that would come out in the summer, and she'd be concerned if it never did. I'm sure Dos has long forgotten the "you're going to be a big sister!" conversation, but Uno keeps track of these things. So I told her that Daddy was going to check my blood at his office, and if it was bad then that meant the baby wasn't in my tummy anymore. That made enough sense to her that she offered condolence instead of more questions.

I'm not entirely sure how I'm supposed to feel about all this. I am disappointed, absolutely. And I can't let go of the need to blame myself: If I'd cut out the Diet Dr. Pepper habit; if I'd tried to eat more nutritiously; if I hadn't forgotten to take my prenatals so often; if I'd been a little more enthusiastic about the possibility of Numero Tres before the big pee stick reveal, could this have been avoided? But I don't feel like I'm mourning. Should I? Am I heartless if I don't? Will it come later?

I feel like I've lost something I never had. Which is its own kind of sadness, I guess.


~RCH~