Funny Tres

The extra visitor

We had a small nativity play at the church Christmas party last Friday. The Primary children stood in a chorus line behind Mary, Joseph, and the baby Jesus, singing carols between bits of narration. Tres, who is not yet old enough for Primary (though she will be in January), asked if she could stand and sing with the big kids and I said sure.

Except that when everybody filed in, she ran over to Mary and Joseph and the baby instead. She knelt down and gazed adoringly at the swaddled plastic doll. I crawled up to the front discreetly and whispered, "Tres! You can go stand with the big kids! They need you to sing songs with them!"

She gave me the dirtiest of dirty looks, put her finger to her lips and very loudly said:

"SSSSHHHHH!! The baby!"

And so the play continued with the tableau of Mary, Joseph, baby Jesus ... and Tres.


Things Tres said while watching the Nutcracker ballet

(And not in a whisper, either.)

• Oh, look at those cute ballerinas!
• That house isn't real, huh? They're just pretending it's a house.
• I like her shoes so much!
• [When the main girl receives the Nutcracker -- during a lull in the music, so I think the whole auditorium heard her] Oh, that's a berry nice present!
• How come her's wearing her pajamas?
• Mom, I saw a mouse's bum!
• Are those sholdiers trying to do Kung Fun Panda?
• I'm not scared of the ballet anymore! The bad mouse is just having a costume!
• How come that boy doesn't have any pants?
• That was FANTASTIC!!

Everyone's a critic

Tres and I watched the morning news together a few days ago and saw some 19th-century style carolers, all dolled up in Victorian garb and singing with gusto.

"Mom," Tres said to me, "I think I hate those guys."

Oh. Okay, then!


~RCH~

Conversation with Tres

TRES: Mommy, I want pickles!

RCH: Just a minute, let me finish this....

TRES: Meow, meow, I'm a cat! I need pickles!

RCH: Cats don't eat pickles.

TRES: What do they eat?

RCH: Well ... mice, for one thing. Can I get you a mouse to eat?

TRES: [Horrified look; mouth agape]

~ Thoughtful Pause ~

TRES: Woof, woof! I'm a doggy!


~RCH~

Quote of the Day

Narration on American Idol: He did well in his first audition in Orlando, despite a difficult upbringing....

RCH: Why, what's his story?

DH: He was difficultly up-brought.


~RCH~

Playing along

UNO, at lunch: Mom, do you want to have a bite of these hairy spider legs?

DOS: No, try some of my gooey snake eye balls instead!

TRES, in her best menacing voice: How about some mac and cheese!


~RCH~

Teasing

Following is the Quote Book Quote for the day. You're welcome.

UNO, to DOS: Dos and [random boy] sitting in a tree, S-I-K-K L-M-N-O-P!

:-D


~RCH~

We have standards around here, you know.

DH: I see you found my mom's copy of Charlotte's Web. Are you going to read that one to the girls?

RCH: No way! Sure, it's a classic, but it totally glorifies spiders!

Obviously. Geez!


~RCH~

My picture of cheese. MY PICTURE OF CHEESE!

Thus sayeth Tres as she ran through the house with MIL's camera, trying not to get caught or forced to give it up.

"MY PICTURE OF CHEESE!!!"


~RCH~

Snapshots of Uno

Born for the Stage

We went to a fish fry / barbecue yesterday at the home of FIL's good friend Larry (who, apropos of nothing, speaks with an impossibly thick accent and a mumble). Larry has a big above-ground pool that the girls swam in last summer when we visited, but this year our bathing suits are in storage -- and besides, it was an uncharacteristically cool day.

Uno and Dos were devastated -- nay, heart broken! -- that we wouldn't let them swim. Never mind that Larry also has a huge yard for running around in. Never mind that he has a killer swing set, much better than the rusty, rickety thing we left behind at our old house. Never mind that he has a basketball hoop. Never mind that there were about 15 other children present whom Uno could have rallied for the game or adventure of her choosing.

No, all she and Dos could think about was swimming. "Mom, please? Let's just go get our suits out of storage. Or I could swim in my regular clothes. Please? Huh? Or sometimes people swim in just their underpants; could we do that? Or what if you quick drive to Walmart and get us new swimming suits? Or--"

No. The first answer was no. The final answer was no. No, no, no.

Uno looked at me, horrified. "I don't even know who you are anymore!" she squealed, and then turned and ran away covering her face with her hands.

All this drama and puberty still to come! Wheeee!


Heart of Gold

Uno made a new friend at school last week (though she can't remember the girl's name, lol). She made a big show of their parting when I picked her up on Thursday: She hugged the girl, held her hands and said something I couldn't hear, then hugged her again before bidding a final goodbye.

As she walked out to the car she said, "Mom, that friend has a disease. Sometimes she gets too much sugar and it makes her act funny or sometimes she doesn't have enough sugar and then she might get shaky and you have to tell a teacher or the playground lady. She has to try to keep it right in between, but sometimes it's hard for her."

"That's called diabetes," I said. "It can be a tricky thing, especially for kids."

"Yeah, that's what she said. She has a diabeety."

DH came with me to pick her up the next day. "Dad!" Uno said first thing. "My friend has a diabeety! Can you get to work on a cure for that? I need to bring it to her on Monday."

Yeah, Doc, could you get right on that? :-)


~RCH~

No cause for alarm!

Subtitled: The trouble with prepositions

Uno and Dos had been fighting all through breakfast; I kept encouraging them to work it out without telling me every little thing the other had done (they haven't quite figured out the fine line between tattle telling and real need-to-know information). Honestly, after a while I just tuned them out because I'm an awesome mom like that. And then....

UNO: But I don't want to make out with a girl who sticks her tongue out at me!

RCH (snapped back to attention): What did you just say?

UNO: I said I don't want to make out with a girl who sticks her tongue out at me!

RCH (panicked about where she could have learned that): What does that mean?

UNO: It means she made a mean face and stuck her tongue--

RCH: No, no, the other part.

UNO: It means I don't want to be friends with her right now even if she says she's sorry.

RCH: Oh! Make up! You don't want to make up with her. Not make out. Okay. That's fine. You guys just ignore each other for a while until you can be friendly again. No problem.

*Phew!*


~RCH~

An addled adage

RCH: Don't count your chickens before they hatch, Uno.

UNO: Why not? If you wait until after they hatch, they'll just run around and you won't be able to count them!

You know, she has a point....


~RCH~

Debate

DOS: Teacher says that when you hear a lightning sound it means that people are bowling in heaven.

UNO: That's not true.

DOS: It IS true, because Teacher told me.

UNO: Well then your teacher is wrong.

DOS: She is not!

UNO: Dos, Heavenly Father doesn't even have bowling.

Tears ensue.


~RCH~

I guess it depends on what you're used to.

A conversation I should have anticipated, given who our girls' parents are:

UNO: Hey Dad, can I have my stuff now?

DH: What stuff?

UNO: Normals. You said I could have it after I had real food.

DH: What are you talking about?

UNO: My Normals! I ate my dinner and I want my Normals!

DH: What?

UNO: The candy you let me get yesterday. You said I could have some!

DH: OH! You mean Nerds.

UNO: Yeah, Nerds. Whatever. I need some.


Hey, Nerds are totally Normal. Around here at least. ;-)


~RCH~

Tiny headaches

Uno, after I told her to stop being so loud:

"You think you've got a headache? I have the most tiny headache, Mom. Every time I hear a quiet sound it makes my ear BEEP! That's why I have to be noisy."

Uh, okay. I guess that explains it.


~RCH~

Odd conversation overheard

UNO: Stop kissing Tres!
DOS: She likes it! She wants me to!
UNO: But I'm your husband and we're on a date. I demand you to stop kissing another woman!
DOS: This is not a fun date.


~RCH~

Quote of the day

UNO: How did you know I did that?

RCH: Because of the eyes in the back of my head. [I've been teasing her all week; she hates it.]

UNO: Don't say that! You didn't get made that way and you're not an owl!

RCH: Oh, fine. It's just an expression. But it's a fun expression so I'm going to keep saying it!

UNO: No, you can't lie; it's not nice to God! Plus I have weapons. [She brandishes her fingers as guns]


~RCH~

The alternative

Tres refuses to sit down when she eats -- even (or especially) when placed in a high chair. The girls and I were trying to coax her to sit at dinner last night. I pulled out the old standby, "Look, Tres, all the cool kids are sitting!" And then Uno jumped in:

"Hey Tres, if you don't sit down you won't go to heaven."

"If she never sits down, where will she go instead?" I asked, wondering if Uno had any concept of the traditional notions of heaven and hell.

"She'll go straight to JAIL!" she said.

So ... I guess that's a no, then, lol.


~RCH~

Happy Good Hard Worker Doctor Day!

From Uno, who is always trying to invent reasons to have a party.

I told her that, while I'm sure Daddy would love a party (complete with her trademark hors d'oeuvres of potato chips and snack cheese in paper bowls) for being such a hard worker, what he'd probably like more is a clean house to come home to. So maybe she could help me out with that.

She harrumphed and walked away.

Scenes from our most recent affair, the Happy Hey Mom Don't Worry About It, Just Sleep In party, which they had ready for me when I woke up Tuesday morning:









They've been cracking me up a lot lately. Here are a few Quote Book worthy episodes from the last week for your enjoyment:

No. 1

Uno & Dos stayed with my parents while I was in Phoenix; they took the girls to the town Christmas parade on Friday night, at which they saw Santa Claus. All the way home, my mom reports, they debated which list each girl might be on: Dos is fairly convinced she's on the Nice list. Uno figures it could go either way for her.

No. 2

Uno told me on the phone that she had devised a plan to take care of the neighbor's cat. (She's terrified of cats, this one has sharp claws, and it's always in our yard.) Step one: Get a fake mouse and put it in the driveway. Step two: The cat will come put his claws in the mouse; his claws will get stuck, leaving him incapacitated. Step three: Uno will hit him on the head with a shovel and then quickly put him back in the neighbor's yard. (Don't worry that she'll grow up to be a serial killer who got her start torturing cats; she's just been watching too much Tom & Jerry.)

No. 3

When Tres and I got home, we hung out at my parents' house for the big family Sunday dinner. Uno used the opportunity to wield her power over all the cousins in putting on a show: As the grownups visited in the living room, I could hear Madam Director ordering all the other kids around; occasionally she'd come to me to ask how to spell a word, which she'd then scribble madly on a white board. At one point I heard her say, in her best (unintentional) impersonation of a punchy 40s movie star, "Hey Caleb, can ya' read? Here's your lines! ...Dos! You just sound it out!"

No. 4

Sibling rivalry, as done by Uno and Dos during lunch the other day:

UNO: ...Well, at my school we have computers!

DOS: At my school we get snacks!

UNO: At my school we learn to read!

DOS: At my school we learned all the way to the letter Z!

UNO: At my school we have recess!

DOS: At my school we play all the time!

UNO: Yeah, well today at my school we jumped off the roof and flied!

DOS: At my school, we jumped off the roof and DOUBLE FLIED!!

Take that, suckas! :-)


~RCH~

Better than a status update

I've fallen down on the blogging job. I blame the family's recent illnesses -- I had day-long nauseating headaches all through the beginning and middle of last week, then Dos and Tres had stuff coming out both ends toward the end of the week and all weekend -- and I also blame Facebook. Facebook is of the devil. It allows me to broadcast little tiny snippets of my life to 60 of my closest friends (who knew I had 60 friends?) through status updates ... and then I feel like I have nothing left to blog because I've said it all already.

But tough luck, because I'm going to say it again. Or say different stuff. Or, you know, whatever.

Facebook

I signed up a little more than a week ago, and within a few minutes of setting up my account I had about twenty friend requests. I had no idea I was so popular! And how did they all know I was there? Had they been stalking me? Searching Facebook high and low several times a day, every day, waiting for the moment I would grace them with my beatific presence? LOL. Obviously not, but it simultaneously amused and freaked me out.

Crazy Monkey

My preferred nickname for Tres is Crazy Little Monkey. I think I may have overused it, because I've begun to think of her more literally as a monkey: A chimpanzee, specifically. The kind you might see wearing a diaper and hamming it up with her animal trainer on the Tonight Show. She's just the perfect size; she fits on my hip just right and her little hands are so busy and expressive as she grabs my nose and tries to rip it from my face.... Ah, I love my little simian.

Dream Logic

I dreamed last night that I ran across two old friends from high school (probably through Facebook, lol). I tried asking the boy if he thought I had been a drama queen back in the day -- "and don't worry about hurting my feelings if you did," I said, "because I wouldn't ask if I didn't want an honest answer" -- but I couldn't understand his reply; apparently he had spent a lot of time in New Zealand in the years in between and had acquired a very thick accent. I suppose that means I only pretend to want to know uncomfortable truths about myself, lol. Oh well. I finally understood, through his wife's translation, that he thought I had been ragingly melodramatic, but not a drama queen in the sense of being an overbearing diva. So is that six of one, half a dozen of another...?

Next I dreamed I was in a parking lot when a leopard print Cadillac -- convertible, with the top down -- pulled in. Five goth dressed teenagers jumped out and ran over to a carousel, where they proceeded to set up for a concert and rock out. I snuck a few photos of them with my camera phone (I never have my Nikon on me when I need it!), until one of the goth girls stopped playing and yelled at me to cut it out. "Are you some kind of photographer?" she asked me. "No," I said. "I'm going to write the great American novel." She raised an incredulous eyebrow. "Or the great American short story." She stared. "Or, um, maybe just the great American haiku." Then I slunk away.

There's a shocking dream revelation: I have no attention span!

Two Quote Book Quotes

UNO: Mom, when it's my birthday, I get to be the Evil Queen and everybody has to do what I say! I can't wait.

* * *

DOS, taunting me as I lost Mario Baseball to Uno (final score 32-14): M-O-M. That's how you spell loooooooooser!

RCH: Hey, that kind of hurts my feelings!

DOS: I mean, that's how you spell Girl Who Tried Her Very Best But She Didn't Win But That's Okay!

School Policy

Uno had a meltdown last night because we refused to take her bowling. She had come home from school with an important note her kindergarten teacher passed out: [Local Bowling Alley] Family Night! All games $1.50, with $1.50 for hot dogs and drinks. One night only! Call to reserve your lane! It never would have occurred to Uno that we should go bowling if she hadn't been given that advertisement.

It's not the first time we've had an issue like this, either; she has been pitched ballet lessons, membership in the Girl Scouts, pizza.... These aren't fund raisers; none of them have any affiliation with the school. I don't understand why a public school would allow community businesses to directly target five-year-olds. Stick a coupon in the weekly paper if you want to advertise, but don't promise my child an evening of cheap bowling without asking me first.

Ugh.

Does anybody else's school do this? Or is it just our little town being weird again?

Contrast

My Photo-Off challenge comes due tomorrow. This week's assignment? Contrast! I wasn't sure whether to tackle it conceptually (muscley, tattooed biker holds kitten! -- Nevermind that I have neither a biker nor a kitten) or technically (bright vs. dark). I had planned to use last weekend to go exploring, head down into the city maybe to see what contrasty subjects I could rustle up, but instead I spent the weekend cleaning poop and vomit out of the carpet. Oops. I did take some photos at home on Friday that I may pick from amongst, but I am keeping my eyes open and my camera ready in the meantime. I may find a really great last minute subject; you never know!

I really do enjoy these challenges. :-)

The End

I'm sure I could continue to babble on about everything and nothing, but it's time to get the girlies from school! You've got a guaranteed post from me tomorrow, when I reveal my Photo-Off pic. Until then....


~RCH~

One more

Background: We've been trying to teach Uno and Dos that you can earn people's respect by being honest, kind, a cheerful helper, that sort of thing. We've also kicked around the idea of an allowance based on chores (beyond what is normally expected of them).

UNO, after helping me clean the kitchen: Mom, you said respect is earned, right?

RCH: That's right!

UNO: Can I have some now?

RCH: Well remember, respect isn't a thing, it's a good feeling.

UNO: Oh. Huh. Can I just have the money, then?


~RCH~

Quote Book Clearing House

We attended the local Presbyterian church with MIL during our recent visit. DH, MIL, the baby and I went to the regular service while Uno and Dos were shuttled off to children's church (the LDS equivalent would be Primary, more or less).

Apparently the children's church director is someone who has known DH since he was a baby. Upon seeing Dos she said, "Oh, you must be DH's daughter! You look just like him!"

"No I don't," Dos said a little indignantly. "He doesn't have any hair!"

* * *

DH, while having dinner: Dos, eat your corn dog! You've had enough butter. (She had been opening those individual butter packets at the restaurant and eating it straight with her fork.)

* * *

Playtime overheard:

DOS: I'm sorry, my mother says I can't talk to mosquitoes.

UNO: Actually, I tied your mom up in the closet. Does your dad say it's okay?

DOS: Yeah, sure!

* * *

This one's a year or so old, but I don't think I've ever blogged it and it still cracks me up:

DH was kvetching about someone he thinks is a little co-dependent. "[Person] couldn't wipe [his/her] own butt without help!" he said.

Uno, who we didn't know was even listening, excitedly raised her hand and said, "Oooh! I can, Daddy! I know how to wipe my own butt!"

The two of us then had to keep a straight face while we congratulated her on her mad bathroom skillz.


~RCH~