Aw, crap (and other thoughts).

I need a book on the developmental psychology of 2-year-olds, because things are getting out of hand around here. I am increasingly frustrated with what I'm sure is normal behavior on her part, and I'm increasingly frustrated that I don't know what to do in response.

My life was so much easier when I just had one child. I could channel all my energy toward her. (Of course, she wasn't 2 years old then, either!) When the baby came and I got so little sleep, I described the way I felt as tightrope walking on barbed wire. My nerves were frayed almost to the breaking point from being awake all night with the baby, and then again all day long with the toddler. I was stretched so thin I almost broke. I'm a little surprised I didn't.

It doesn't feel like that now; we've got quite a good rhythm down, actually, and aside from feeling constantly tired (in a way that's different from the sleep deprived exhaustion of the early days with two), I'm doing all right. Except that I'm so much angrier than I ought to be. If I was walking on barbed wire then, I'm wading unsuccessfully through minefields now -- and with each step, *BAM!* there goes another limb, there goes another outburst.

I'm a yeller now. I've always hated people who yell; they scare me. But when my older girl does something that sets off that trigger -- like this afternoon, when she ripped off her diaper, pooped on the living room carpet in several places, then stepped in it and walked all over the house, all while I was trying to fix dinner and get the three of us ready to go to a potluck in an hour -- something inside me insists that yelling is the only way to convey just how aaaaaaangry I feel.

First off, in my saner moments I worry that my behavior borders on abuse (if it does not, in fact, cross the line into emotional abuse). How did I become such a terrible mother? A terrible person! What kind of monster hurts a child on purpose? And beyond that, why do I even let myself get so angry? So she crapped on the floor: She's two; she's learning how her body works. We've toyed with the issue of potty-training a little already, so it's not even that surprising that she'd take her own diaper off. But I'm still angry. I'm so angry.

I've tried to talk to my DH about this and am met with lectures about time management. If I managed my time better (and if I used the computer less, lol!), my overall stress level would go down. Eh, maybe. Though his response irritates me, too, because it seems dismissive of the real issue. I don't know what I want from him, exactly, but I'm pretty sure it's not a schedule! Maybe it's just a hug. I don't know. Our disconnect is probably as much my fault as anyone's because I'm not tremendously articulate at communicating my feelings.

*Sigh!*

I wonder sometimes if I have delayed PPD. Or if I'm just, at my very core, a mean person.

In any case, I think if I knew a little more about child development and age-appropriate discipline, I'd have more tools at my disposal to act in the right way rather than to react out of stress and fatigue.


~RCH~