I have issues. According to DH, my
whole family has issues (though I don't think any of us would disagree, lol).
First off, there's the phone problem. I hate it. If I know it's not for me -- if, say, it's the ILs or one of DH's friends, I'll either let it go to voicemail or do a mad dash across the house to get it to DH before it stops ringing. I will not pick it up even to say, "Hello? Yes, he's here -- just a minute, I'll go get him." If it's for me ... well, I might answer it. Depending on my mood. And on who's calling. And on my mood, which, chances are, is a non-phone-answering mood.
The problem extends also to calling out. Now that I am the grown-up, and the one in this family who spends the most time at home, I am responsible for making any business-related calls. Call the bank to verify a transaction? My job. Call a store to get their hours of operation? My job. Call a neighbor to borrow some sugar or ask a favor? Me, me. But I hate it. I dreeeeaaaad it. I put it off as long as possible (sometimes long enough for DH to get irritated, sigh heavily with resignation, and call from work on his lunch hour). When the task simply can't be avoided, I've devised a trick to gear myself up for the horror: I pretend to be my own secretary, thus detatching myself mentally from the situation. The person on the other end doesn't know I'm role playing, of course, but I put on my best professional voice and in my head (only in my head, lol!) begin the phone call with, "Hello, this is RCH calling from the office of RCH...."
Some people have described this as a phobia of the telephone. It's not, really; I don't fear the phone. I simply loathe it. I have a strong, pathological aversion to talking on the telephone, even to people I like.
One of my sisters (who, like most of us, feels the same way) theorizes that the lack of contextual cues -- body language and whatnot -- leaves us feeling unsettled and lacking control. She's probably right. Though it's more fun for me to imagine my aversion as so big and broad and deep that it couldn't possibly have a rational explanation (or solution).
The phone, of course, is not my only issue. Oh, no. Apparently I have some general (yet, according to DH, pathological) social anxiety as well. I wouldn't really classify myself as shy; I stopped caring what other people thought of me long ago and have embraced my quirks. ;-) I don't worry that people will hate me, or think I'm weird or dumb or [insert bad thing here]. And yet....
Ugh.
For instance, I've got an online friend who lives in a town where DH has a job interview this week. The entire family is going, as we'd all like to get a feel for the place if it turns out we'll be planting permanent roots there. I love this friend; she's fabulous and funny and has an adorable daughter just slightly younger than my toddler. I'd love to get together with her while we're in town, let the girls have a playdate, maybe go to dinner (and demonstrate to my Luddite DH that not all internet friends are psychos or 12-year-old boys with elaborate false identities, lol). This woman and I have a lot in common and I know I'd have a wonderful time ... if she had any inkling I'd be there.
I've thought about telling her. I've opened up several messages and titled them: "So what's the weather like out there?" "Hey, are you busy on the 16th?" "Guess who's coming to town!" But I can't bring myself to write the rest, let alone send them. I feel anxious. I want to sneak into town and sneak back out, never letting on I was there. I love her; I want to meet her in real life, not just from behind a screen. But my stomach ties itself in knots at the thought.
My fear is unnameable and irrational and frustrating, but it's mine and I'll keep it, thank you very much.
*Sigh.*
For the record, if DH did take the job there, I'd be relieved to have at least one friend in our new town and I would eventually let her know (though not by phone). I wouldn't wait for an awkward run-in at the grocery store, lol. Or maybe I would. Aaauugghh!!
I've had a very similar scenario play out each time I've visited my hometown in the years since a good friend from high school and his little family moved back there from New Hampshire. I want to see them. They're great people, they have adorable children (whom I've only ever seen in Christmas cards and birth announcements), I think they'd get along well with my DH and I think our common life paths would give us a lot to talk about. And yet.... Sometimes I've gone home and pretended I wasn't there. Other times, I've contacted them via email and been relieved when we couldn't work out a time to get together.
As with my online friend, I both crave and dread social contact with these people whom I genuinely like. It is, dare I say it, a little crazy.
Pathological. So do me a favor and pass the Paxil. :-)
~RCH~
